By Dr. Jackie Pacella, PsyD

What is Emotional Intelligence?

We all know that IQ can impact a person’s success in the world. But, an ability to solve complicated and unfamiliar problems is only part of the story. In fact, some researchers believe IQ only accounts for about 20% of what makes a person successful. So, what else is there?  Emotional intelligence!

Emotional intelligence involves four main skills [1]:

1.     Self-awareness: Awareness of our own emotions and our thoughts about those emotions

2.     Self-management: Regulating our emotions through self-soothing. Self-soothing helps us keep our emotions in check

3.     Social-awareness: Tuning into the emotions of others. This involves reading the other person’s nonverbal cues, including tone of voice, body language, facial expressions, etc.

4.     Social skills: Managing the emotions of others

Why does emotional intelligence matter?

Emotional intelligence is what helps us use our IQs in the most human way. Someone with a high IQ but low emotional intelligence would be very smart, but would struggle in social situations. In contrast, high emotional intelligence makes it easier to successfully move through the complex social world we live in. This is true even though IQ may vary between people. [1]

Research shows that emotional intelligence actually accounts for 58% of performance in all types of jobs. In fact, research shows that 90% of high performers have high emotional intelligence, while only 20% of low performers do. [2]

How to Increase Emotional Intelligence:

Luckily, you can learn to improve your emotional intelligence! Here are some ways to increase the 4 main abilities which make up emotional intelligence:

Ability #1 : Self-Awareness

How to understand your emotions, your thoughts, and how they affect each other

• Move Toward Your Emotions. While it is uncomfortable to feel “negative” emotions like sadness or anxiety, the best way to increase self-awareness is to lean into them. This is because emotions do not just go away if we ignore them. Instead, they come out when you least expect them, or at times that seem to make no sense at all. By leaning into discomfort, you will find that the actual emotion you were avoiding is not as bad as your fear of discomfort led you to believe. [2]

• Pay Attention to Physical Sensations. The way your body feels can provide important information about how you are doing emotionally. Check in on your breathing and heart rate: are they quick or slow? Are your muscles tense or relaxed? When we become more aware of our physical sensations, we can use both our body and the external context to figure out how to label an emotion more accurately. [2]

  
  

• Practice Mindfulness. At its core, mindfulness involves bringing awareness to the present moment, without judgment. This means paying attention to your thoughts and feelings without labeling them as “good” or “bad,” or trying to make them go away. You may not like how you feel at a given moment, but you may have noticed that beating yourself up for feeling a certain way does not help you feel better faster. Try bringing awareness to whatever comes up, and practice letting it run its course without trying to intervene.2 Try this guided Leaves on a Stream exercise to practice: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yQX1y7zMAg

Ability #2 : Self-Management

How to engage in self-soothing behaviors

• Breathing Exercises. You may not think much about the quality of your breath from moment to moment, but it can make a big difference in how you feel. In fact, a research study found not only that different patterns of breathing tend to occur during different emotional states, but that emotional states can be induced by changing our breathing patterns! [3] Next time you feel stressed, pay attention to your breath. You will likely notice it is shallow and quick. Take a few moments to slow and deepen your breaths. Try this guided 4-7-8 exercise: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Dv-ldGLnIY

• Count to 10. Part of what makes experiencing emotions hard is when we let ourselves become emotionally hijacked. This happens because the part of our brain that houses emotions moves faster than the part of our brain that houses logic. Sometimes all we need is to recognize we are having an emotion and then pump the brakes long enough to let logic catch up. [2]

• Shift Your Self Talk from Judgmental and Permanent to Factual and Situational. If you tend to think, “I am stupid” after making a mistake, try changing that thought to something like, “I made a mistake.” This may seem simple, but language is very powerful. Simply changing the way we think about ourselves can make a big difference in how we feel. [2]

Ability #3 : Social Awareness

How to tune into the emotions of others 

• Pay Attention to Others’ Body Language. Researchers estimate that as much as 60-65% of communication is nonverbal. This means that there is much more to an interaction than just what is being said.[4] Starting with the face, notice eye contact. Eye contact that is relaxed and attentive signifies honesty and sincerity. Notice facial expression. A genuine smile usually extends into the eyes, causing crinkled corners.2 Notice tone of voice. If what someone is saying seems not to fit with how they are saying it, trust that the truth is more likely in how, compared with what, is being said. [1]

• Step into the Other Person’s Shoes. Ask yourself how you might feel if you were the other person. But don’t stop there. Remind yourself that the other person is not you, so they may be having a different experience than you would. Combine your understanding of how you might feel with what you know about the other person based on your interactions with them. Then ask, If I were them, how would I be feeling? If you can, try to get feedback from that person to test the accuracy of your thoughts. [2]

• Trust Your Gut. Emotions are contagious. Practice noticing your gut reaction when in a room full of people. Is it full of buzzing energy, or quiet and calm? Put your self-awareness skills to good use and notice any physical sensations you are experiencing. Combine that with context clues (what is the purpose of this gathering?) to evaluate the mood of the room. [2]

Ability #4: Social Skills

How to manage the emotions of others 

• Be Curious. Show interest in other people by asking questions. It is important to use your self-awareness, self-management, and social-awareness skills to decide when the time and setting is appropriate. It is also important to use a tone of curiosity, not judgment. There is a big difference between asking, “Where did you get that shirt, I love it!” and asking, “where did you get THAT shirt?” [2]

  
  

• Share Yourself with Others. Vulnerability helps others see you for you, and it also helps them feel valued in their relationship with you. Of course, use your self-awareness skills to decide when, where, and with whom you share personal information. Your gut level of comfort and trust in someone is a good measure. You can also test things out by sharing small bits of information and seeing how the person reacts. [2]

  
  

• Acknowledge and Validate Others’ Feelings. Use your social-awareness skills to listen to the person and approach what they are saying with curiosity. Be sure not to dismiss or judge, even if you would not feel that way in the same situation. Let the other person know you understand them by offering simple acts of support such as a tissue or some space. The best way to get it right the first time is to ask them what they want or need from you. [2]

Increasing emotional intelligence may feel like a big task, but by focusing on each of the main skills one at a time, you will be able to improve your skills over time. You may even begin to see improvements in your relationships before you know it!

[1] Goleman, D. (1995). Emotional intelligence: Why it can matter more than IQ (10th anniversary ed.). New York, NY: Bantam Dell.

[2] Bradberry, T. (2021). Emotional Intelligence 2.0 Hardcover – June 16, 2009 by Travis Bradberry. TalentSmart; Har/Dol En edition (June 16, 2009).

[3] Philippot, P., Chapelle, G., & Blairy, S. (2002). Respiratory feedback in the generation of emotion. Cognition & Emotion, 16(5), 605-627.

[4] Foley GN, Gentile JP. Nonverbal communication in psychotherapy. Psychiatry (Edgmont). 2010;7(6):38-44.